I go about the world saying that I love to write and that I believe that the various ways of expression is the best gift that God has given to mankind. It’s been 6 years now; and all these years not even one day has passed when I have not thought about this fact of my life.
If I say that I love to express myself, and I don’t express this, it will be equivalent to being untrue and dishonest to me… And that is not what being Kinshu is all about…
I know I can never write well enough to express this in words… perhaps a few volumes would have done some justice… But let me begin with a blog… to my beloved father…

He smiled…

I am running to hide from mother for I have not completed my homework yet. I find him lying on his bed watching the television. I hide myself in his blanket and when mom asks about me, he says he doesn’t know. He looks at me and… he smiles.

Often for those insignificant, minute things which always seemed to make a lot of sense – lack of money, problems at work, and problems with relationships – he just smiled his way through. His bright, confident, cheerful smile that endeared him to anyone who saw it once. They say it’s not important how long you live. What’s important is how much you live in those moments. And as far as that goes, he lived many lifetimes on end.

I am so afraid of riding a bicycle that I even avoid watching my brother ride the wretched thing. I am already seven and my mom wonders if I will ever ride a two-wheeler. I am forced to sit and paddle. I have tears in my eyes as I search for him. He looks at me and… he smiles.

He is the best speaker I have ever heard. He never prepares for his speech, but on every Independence Day function I hear him speaking after hoisting the flag, always with his characteristic poise. I hope I could speak like him too. I enlist myself for a speech at my school assembly – only to find my hands shaking, my legs trembling and my voice stuck in my throat. I decide I will learn to speak from him.

It’s my birthday tomorrow. The phone rings and I lift the receiver. The person on the other end confirms my address and says that my video-game will be delivered in a couple of hours. I couldn’t believe my ears – when did we buy a video-game? I know that thing is expensive and we cannot really afford it. He himself said that when we first asked for it. But here it is, all for me and my brother to play with. Where did it come from? I am too happy to bother.

I am growing up to become an unabashed admirer. I want to copy the way he walks, the way he speaks, the way he eats his food, even the way he sleeps. I follow him everywhere he goes. I carry his briefcase to his jeep and style myself as he walks with it. I fight with him for pillows. Because he sleeps on two, I want two for myself; just because I want to be like him. He knows. He just smiles.

Its parents day at school and I haven’t done all that well this time. I am standing by the side of my teacher’s desk – head down and shameful. I know it will be even more difficult at home. I have done badly in mathematics, none of my spellings are correct; as if that was not enough, I disturb the entire class with my silly pranks. My teacher is furious and so is my mom. I lift my head a little – my eyes meet his and… he smiles.

The first thing that a son learns from his father is devotion. As I grow up, I feel my devotion towards him grow without bounds. I don’t want to question him. Not that I don’t have any questions. But there is so much love and awe that there is just no space for questioning. He is the hero of my life and if there is one person I want to be like, it’s him.

He takes pride in all my little achievements. He celebrates the day I become the Head Boy of my school. He celebrates even if I pass my exams with only an acceptable score. He calls up after all my papers and asks how I did. “I want 100 on 100” he says; and smiles.

Of the many things that I have learned from him, the most special would be his ability to love unconditionally. His love for his wife, his parents, his children, his brother, his sister, his nephews, his niece, and for all that was ‘his’, was beyond the scope of any kind of judgment. He simply loved them – no strings attached. If only people could learn this little secret, there shall be no problems in relationships.

We are building the house of our dreams. The dream that I remember my parents seeing since the time I have gained consciousness. I have never seen him so excited before. He wants to discuss every single detail of the house with his family, including the 17 year old me. And I do give my inputs though they are often stupid. He explains me why we shouldn’t do that, and just smiles.

I am filling applications for my engineering admissions. I gather everything I know about engineering colleges throughout the country. There is a good college in Patiala, another in Vellore, an REC in Allahabad, Bhopal, Trichy etc. There is a new common exam for engineering admissions throughout the country. He helps me in filling all my forms but always says the same thing: “I won’t let you go anywhere”.

“How will your papa live without you” he’d say. I am all smiles. In my heart of hearts, I don’t want to leave him either. But I already have a dream - the dream of giving abundance to my family. I insist as the dream beckons me. He knows that I will go. He just smiles and let it pass.

I am writing my 12th board exams. As always he asks after my papers. But he looks exhausted. Is that age catching up on him? But he is just 51. I see him growing weaker in a matter of months. Probably it’s the pressure at work. He’ll do fine – as always. After all he is my father. Nothing ever goes wrong with my father. Nothing can happen to my father.

It happened on a Thursday night. And my life was never the same again. It is a vacuum that cannot be filled, a pause that cannot be resumed, and a smile that I can never smile again.

The priest asks me and my brother to ask for one last wish from him before he leaves us. As I grapple with a thousand excuses of why he shouldn’t leave us, my brother says it:
“Please be my papa, in all my lives… ”

“Please be my papa, in all my lives… ” I repeat after him before I close my eyes… and he smiles…